Harry Potter and the What The Hell?
by Oirams
Summary: Picture day of the graduating class of Potter. All four Houses somehow turn up naked! WhY?
1. 1 Picture Day for the Four Houses

Harry Potter and the What the Hell?  
  
"Get ready, get set, go!"  
  
Harry and Draco set off, racing their brooms at full speed.  
  
It was the annual, I'm Faster than You Nah Nah competition, and the bets were all on Harry. So Draco decided to enter. The bets were still all on Harry.  
  
Fwoosh. Bazap! You like my special effects, right? Shut up.  
  
Suddenly a big Buddha hand came from heaven, pummeling both Draco and Harry to the ground. But instead of looking at the Three-Foot Giant that had come barreling from heaven, Draco and Harry, instead, began to warg against each other.   
  
"Hey, that's cheating! No using religious magic!" cried Draco.  
  
"Wow. A Slytherin complaining about cheating," muttered Harry. "I think I heard the IRONY pot breaking."  
  
"Is that the best you can do? Good god, what kind of dull witted moron uses phrases like 'Irony pot'?" said Draco. Harry looked to the crowd for support but even the Gryffindors were averting his gaze, whistling "Oh Susana, Won't you Strip for me."  
  
"Alright, you blond bastard, let's at it--"  
  
Cut scene to two boys tousling in the dirt.  
  
"AHEM."  
  
Stop ignoring me.  
  
"AHEM!"  
  
I"m getting Angry.  
  
"STOP FIGHTING, YOU BLOODY ASSHOLES!"  
  
Harry and Draco both looked up. The picture of having a bloody asshole was rather alarming.  
  
"THAT'S BETTER," The Voice said. "NOW, I HAVE A MISSION FOR YOU. ITS DANGEROUS, YOU'LL GET PAID MINIMUM WAGE--IN YEN AND, IN THE END, ONE OF YOU WILL PROBABLY DIE. BUT IF YOU DON'T DO IT, THE STORY WON'T CONTINUE AND YOU'LL BOTH DIE ANYWAYS. DO YOU ACCEPT YOUR FATE?"  
  
"Hey!" piped in Ron. "Why do they get all the parts?"  
  
The Voice thought about it and then agreed, "YOU'RE RIGHT."  
  
With a flash of lightning, Ron began to sprout extra arms, legs, at least four types of simian asses.  
  
"He's got a penchant for asses, doesn't he?" remarked Draco.  
  
"I think he's some sort of Himalayan Ass God," said Hermione smartly, her fingers idly playing with Draco's golden hair.  
  
"FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME, HERMY, STOP MAKING STUFF UP," screamed Harry irritatedly. He was about the only boy in Hogwarts who hadn't boffed Hermione yet. "Just because Mrs. Rowling identifies with you doesn't make you smart. You got that!"  
  
"Back off, Potter," said Draco threateningly.   
  
"Wait a minute," said Ron, who was now surrounded by a slew of leggy Ravenclaw girls. His long appendages were a big hit, it seemed. "Who's this Rowling chap?"  
  
"The woman who wrote us...Breathed life into us..." the Four Houses of Hogwarts stared blankly at Harry as if he had gone completely insane.  
  
"Never mind," said Harry shaking his fist in the air, muttering strange things about 'existentialism' and 'the Prisoner's Dilemna'.  
  
"AHEM!"  
  
"OH MY GOD, the ASS GOD is still here!" exclaimed one Hufflepuff.  
  
"I'M NOT AN ASS GOD! I'M THE VOICE! THE OVER-BEING. THE KNOW ALL SEE ALL BE ALL!"  
  
"So you're the narrator," mumbled Draco, who was now being fed grapes by a naked Hermione.  
  
"What's a narrator?" asked Ron, was now fully acclimated to his many appendages--OH MY GOD, How is that physically POSSIBLE!  
  
"I'm NOT A NARRATOR--"  
  
Me: Yeah, you are.  
  
Voice: that doesn't make sense. If I'm the narrator, what does that make you?  
  
Me: Considering that I just made the entire school of Hogwart's completely naked, converted Hermy into a nympho Veela, made Ron into some sort of sex Argus(think carefully about this), and Harry into the only impotent male in the school--I hardly think that qualifies me as a Narrator, do you?  
  
Voice: But that doesn't make sense...  
  
Me: I know. Hurry up. You're losing the audience and the aphrodisiac I laced into the Hufflepuff Weed is gonna wear out soon.  
  
Voice: Wait up. Hufflepuff weed?  
  
Me: Huffle. Puff. No one's as loyal as a pothead. Now go get'em narrator.  
  
" UM IT SEEMS THAT I'VE BEEN NOTIFIED THAT I'M A NARRATOR..."  
  
" You know, this storY seems to copy the Harry Potter and the LOTR fic by Sharon Armstrong on fanfiction.net..." said Hermione, who was finally coming out of her stupor. "OH MY God, Why am I naked?"  
  
She ran away screaming, and for some reason their were nasty pixies poking red pitchforks at her bum.  
  
Me: I had to add the pixies. Stupid know-it-all. I don't plagiarise. And if I do I don't appreciate being told by some bucktooth Dentist's girl. God she's hot...   
  
  
  
Draco sighed as she watched her go, "WEll, it was nice while it lasted."  
  
Harry Potter wondered why the Voice wasn't allowing him to say anything.  
  
"ARE YOU EVILLISHLY CHARMING LIKE DRACO?"  
  
" Well, no, but--"  
  
"DO YOU PROVIDE WELL PLACED ONE LINERS LIKE RO--"  
  
"URANUS!" Ron screamed and then fell to the ground laughing.  
  
Harry shook his head.  
  
"DO YOU PROVIDE THE POTENTIAL TO BE MOST BUSTY BABE IN ALL THE UNIVERSE."  
  
Due to time constraints, Cho Chang, Lavender Brown, Virginia Weasely, and Hermione, have been merged by the Powers-that-be--Namely the Himalyan Ass God--into one super being.   
  
Chovendargina Changbrograngerly.  
  
"Good God, she's hot," cried the entire male Hogwart's population.   
  
Chovendargina Changbrograngerly smiled, "OH MY boys! Is that a plane in your pocket or are you just happy to see--Er. Narrator, I have a problem. They aren't wearing any clothes...Why in the world would I talk about their pockets?"   
  
Chovendargina Changbrograngerly thought again(this was obviously Hermione taking over), " Wouldn't I just say, let's fu--"  
  
"HO! HO!" cried the Voice. He started to dance.   
  
"What the bloody hell are you doing?" asked Draco, who had finally found some clothes and were putting them on.  
  
"THE ANTI-NETWORK CENSOR SPELL! COME ON! IF WE CLAP REALLY HARD, MAYBE THE FAIRIES WILL STOP CENSORING EVERY LITTLE THING!"  
  
"I'm not a fairy," whispered Mrs. Umbridge, Who was also a lieutenant of the FUN POLICE.  
  
"Your a bit ogre-looking, you have to admit," remarked Ron. " I don't get why the centaurs would rape a hag like you."  
  
"I...was...carried off into the forest! I wasn't raped!" yelled Umbridge.  
  
"EWWWWWWW" replied the school of Hogwarts together.  
  
"Consensual sex is disgusting!" shouted Crabbe and Goyle, who were known in Hogwarts as Grab and Fondle.  
  
  
  
Draco glared at his two henchman, "Shhh. I don't want to have my computer raided for porn by the FUN police again."  
  
  
  
Because of time constraints, I've decided to merge all the students in each house into one character.  
  
Gryffindors: Harry Potterbottom.  
  
Slytherin: Draco Hugebastard.  
  
Ravenclaw: Horny Librarian  
  
Hufflepuff: Dude Where's My Car  
  
Just then, Dumbledore walked in.  
  
"Uhoh," said Potterbottom, covering his privates.  
  
"Yeah, you better cover those privates," sneered Hugebastard.   
  
"Oh yeah." replied Harry. "Let's see how big you are, Mr. Huge...Er...never mind.."  
  
Changbro...what's her name again?...walked up to Dumbledore and began her wicked voodoo dance.  
  
" Is her breasts suppose to change size like this? She looks like an episode of Love Hina!" complained Dumbledore, who was a heteresexual man, but Chogangbang--never mind--was way too much woman for him.  
  
  
  
"Has everyone gone mad! Its school picture day!" screamed Argus Filch who had come following behind Dumby's(Dumbledore's nickname) footsteps.  
  
I will not be called Dumby.  
  
Me: Yeah you will.  
  
No! I am Supreme Mugwump of the ICW. I am Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot! Hell, I wrote Nellie's "Getting Hot in Here!" i demand some respect--  
  
Due to time constraints and because I think Dumby talks too much for his own good, I have combined every Hogwarts employee that has ever lived into one being.  
  
Tiger Woods.  
  
WAIT A MINUTE, ISN'T HE BLACK?, asked the Voice.  
  
"NO!" screamed Tiger Woods as he began to take points out of every house.  
  
"50 points from Gryffindor! 40 from Slytherin. 30 from...er...what's the other Houses again?"  
  
The Voice whispered into Wood's ear.   
  
"OH...yes. 30 points from Rectalhoes, and 20 points from Gluteas Maxihumungus."  
  
Me: The kids named you right, Voice. YOu are such an Himalayan Ass God.  
  
The Voice(singing): 'I love big...BUTTS and I can not lie! YOu other brothers can't deny!'  
  
"Group Picture!" yelled Colin Creevey, who had escaped the Gryffindor House merger solely on the basis of him being a totally creeped-out and perverted Harry-lover.   
  
"That's true," he said. "IF i'd had merged with Harry, I'd be making out with myself and that would be--"  
  
" NO Gay metaphors allowed in Hogwarts," yelled Umbridge.  
  
Voice: OH PLEASE. PRETTY PLEASE, MAY I?  
  
Me(looking at the Voice.): Alright, but just this once.  
  
The following paragraph has been created by the Voice. I have nothing to do with it.  
  
CREATE CENTAURS! BIGGER! LONGER! PERFECT!  
  
(  
  
Umbridge:I don't like where this is headed.  
  
Me: Don't worry. I won't let this happen. After all, who wants to see an ugly person have at it with a herd of horses? We've all seen PBS's docufilm about Catherine the Great, thank you very much!  
  
Umbridge breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
  
  
Me: Therefore, I hereby change Umbridge's first name into Angelina, and her last name into Jolie.  
  
Angelina Umbridge Jolie: Can't move...Lips...breasts...too heavy...  
  
  
  
Me: Excellent.  
  
)  
  
  
  
The horses gallop off with Angelina Umbridge Jolie in tow.  
  
  
  
"Wow. Umbridge--I mean Jolie's breasts plowed a W shape into the grass," Ron pointed out. "We can grow corn or something."  
  
"Wait a minute." cried Harry Potterbottom. "Ron just said something that was unfunny and trite. How come..."  
  
Me: Do you want to argue this issue with me or do you want to watch Composite Ravenclaw: Ms. Horny Librarian and Composite Hufflepuff: Mr. Dude where's my Car do the nasty?  
  
OH mr. CAR!  
  
Oh, Librarian!  
  
Say my name!  
  
Librarian!  
  
Louder!  
  
LIBRARIAN!  
  
" Good grief. This is more boring than watching my parents go at it," complained Draco. " They're just shampooing each other's hear with Herbal Essences!"  
  
"Wait. Go back to where you said you watch your parents go at it," giggled Chogangerbrangerweasely--what the hell was her name?  
  
" come off it?" said Draco. "As if you wouldn't peep on my mom. She's mad hot, dude."  
  
Due to popular demand, enter Narcissus Malfoy, Draco's Mother.  
  
" Hello, boys!"   
  
" Oh my god, it's Stiffler's--Draco's Mother!" cried Ron.  
  
Harry rolled his eyes.  
  
Me: I know. But Ron's been getting laid so much in the background by Horny Librarian, Changbangrangerly, and assorted animals, that he's been too tired out to be witty.  
  
"Why, of all your fics, to make me impotent in this one. Woe is me. Would it I were of yesteryear, and facing the perils of yesteryear, and not having the impotency of this year. Oh woe."  
  
Harry goes on with his heroic dialogue for several more minutes, in which the Voice, me and several hundred people who did not go to Tianmen Square fall asleep. (What's Tianmen Square? What's that? Is that a Chinese game. Get some history you damn hick.)  
  
" Good grief. I said, Picture day, not 'Go off on a tangent.'" complained Creevey who was dangling his camera lazily on one foot.  
  
Oh btw, everyone is fully clothed now. Somehow merging everyone into composites gave them clothing. Don't ask me, ask the Voice.  
  
GREAT, BLAME ME FOR YOUR PLOT HOLES.  
  
"He's really got a penchant for bums, don't he?" said Draco.  
  
YES. I DO. YOU WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?  
  
" No! No! I'm really sorry! " said Draco quickly. "Please don't make this a slash fic. Please don't slash me with some guy. No slash. No slash."  
  
"That does it. I'm taking the picture whether you're ready or not," screamed Creevey, taking his Nikon. "One, two, three! Cheese!"   
  
FLASH! (OH THAT'S A FLASH BY THE WAY, AND NOT ME YELLING THE ACTUAL WORD 'FLASH' OUT. -Voice)  
  
So ends class picture day, and another year at Hogwarts School of Weirdlies and Stranglingos.   
  
Harry Potterbottom and Draco Hugebastard looked expectantly at the Voice. "Well are you going to tell us the mission you supposedly had?  
  
"Right," agreeed Hugebastard. "I don't want to get cheated out of the win for nothing."  
  
"What?" yelled Harry. "I was the one winning you...er...Huge bastard?"  
  
Me: Not even close, Harrymeister. Nice try though.  
  
"Merlin's beard, I'm going home. This place is mad," said Draco Hugebastard as he waddled off. His head of Draco, body of Pansy, legs of Goyle walked strangely off. Half rolling, even.  
  
"Who's Merlin?" asked Ron.  
  
Everyone looked at him.  
  
Voice: OH CAN I SEND MY CENTAURS TO GET RON TOO?  
  
Me: Only if you turn him into Halle Berry first.  
  
Voice: WHO'S HALLE BERRY?  
  
Due to ardent investigation, it was found that the character known as the Voice has been aiding Anti-America terrorist organizations such as Al Qaeda, Al Jazeera, Al Bundy, Al Vin and the Chipmunks, Greenpeace, United Nations, and the shadiest of them all, the group known as the Brady Bunch. I had him executed. Let us give a prayer for a great but strayed American known as the Voice.  
  
# Cue Braveheart Music ^&(@  
  
"Great, who's going to give us narrative direction then," complained Chogravnkcjoeiajlksjdflsj. "It's obviously not going to be Sleeping Beauty over here."  
  
Me(blinking from the sharp lights): What? Goddamn. I have work tomorrow. Lemme alone. If you really need a narrator, here. Now go away."  
  
Storms brew in Jupiter, and the Sun gives birth to hemarroids--Asteroids--Er. Stars Align. Er. Whatever.  
  
I AM BORN!!!!!!  
  
"oH, It's mini-Voice," said Chogranginavaginapmslately." He's so cute."  
  
  
  
I AM NOT CUTE. YOU CAN CALL ME CHARLIE.  
  
" Helo, Charlie!" said Chograngieofiuoelakjflaj, Horny Librarian, and Angelina Umbridge Jolie, simultaneously. Somehow, due to a fluke of nature, their dress shirt buttons pop open spilling their ample bosoms deliciously.  
  
"Oh. There is a god," praised Draco, bleeding from the nose.  
  
"I'm so glad to be alive!" cried Ron, doing a one man wave with sixteen pairs of arms.  
  
"Bugger off," sulked Harry who walked by himself to the corner of the room. Ahhh. Poor impotent bastard.  
  
THE MISSION IS SIMPLE: VOLDEMORT IS RETURNING. STOP HIM.  
  
"Isn't that solely my job?" questioned Potterbottom.  
  
YOU'VE ALREADY HAVE FIVE TRIES, YOU STUPID GIT. ANYONE ELSE BY NOW WOULD HAVE BOUGHT A GUN AND BLOWN VOLDEMORT'S BRAINS OUT."  
  
"That's true, you know," commented Ron.  
  
"OH shut up. And keep you hands to yourself, Roving Ron," answered Harry irritably.  
  
I WILL GIVE YOU EACH MAGICAL POWERS.  
  
FOR HARRY, GODRIC'S MAGICAL SWORD--"what? this is plastic! It's also made in friggin china."  
  
FOR RON, THE MANY LEGGED ONE, THE BOOTS OF HERMES, MAY HE BE THE FLASH OF THIS ERA--"hey, cool. Pradas!"  
  
FOR CHO--ER--THE HOT GIRL, THE LASSO OF TRUTH, MAY IT GUIDE YOU--"Okay! Okay! I get the picture! I'm bucktoothed! There. But why the hell are you giving me floss?  
  
LEAST AND LASTLY, DRACO HUGEBASTARD, THE BLACK WARRIOR ("wasn't Tiger woods suppose to be the black warrior?"-Draco) ("shut up." -Tiger), AHEM!, FOR THE BLACK WARRIOR, THE HOUSE OF HORROR!  
  
The three other Power Rangers began to laugh. Draco stomped at the ground, "Malibu Dreamhouse? MALIBU FRIGGIN DREAMHOUSE!"  
  
The ENd?  
  
P.S. I tried to extend randomness and the style of Sharon Armstrong, and the person who wrote Harry and the Bouncing Rat into its extreme form. I"m not sure if it's funny, but it's the type of humor i enjoy. Logical chaos. 


	2. 2 Harry Potter Meets ObviousMan

Harry Potter Meets ObviousMan   
  
Sequel to Harry Potter and the What the Hell?  
  
Hi.  
  
I'm Harry Potter.  
  
I'm sure you've heard of me. Even little coked up Vietnamese children diseased with Agent Orange have hard on for me-er-I mean...have heard of me...  
  
I'm the Boy-who-Lived.  
  
And I'm telling you. JK Rowling's got it all wrong. First of all, I'm not British.  
  
I'm English. Second of all, I live in Ethiopia and I'm half Jewish as well. My mother was Chinese, you see.  
  
  
  
ObviousMan: Are you on dope?  
  
Shut up, or I'll tell everyone your secret identity-  
  
ObviousMan: George W. Bush Jr. Jr. Jr.  
  
Oh that's real smart, Mr. Bush  
  
ObviousMan (crying): I know, it's this superpower of mine...boohoo.  
  
As I was saying, in Hogwart's, my school, we have another version of my life history. It's in Ethiopian so I'll have to tell you bits and parts of it. Since I'm jewish, I don't read Ethiopian. In fact, I don't even think Ethiopians read Ethiopian.  
  
ObviousMan: You racist.  
  
Shut UP! Good Grief are you annoying. I am trying to tell them the events that happened after my fifth year in Hogwarts! The true story!   
  
ObviousMan: Is the story true?  
  
Yes! Now let me finish-  
  
ObviousMan: Your school is in Ethiopia right?  
  
STUPEFY!  
  
ObviousMan(falling to the floor): I am unconscious.  
  
Ahem! Where was I? Okay, friends, here's what truly happened after my fifth year at Hogwart's...We had just me the Himalayan Ass God who had given me and my friends our first mission...defeat VOLDEMORT!  
  
"That was the worst day ever," exclaimed Ron. I looked at his many arms, legs, and amplified asses( yes he had more than one), and sighed.  
  
"At least the Himalayan Ass God gave shoes...You can sell those on E-bay..."  
  
I waved my plastic sword with the words "Goddic Glyppinwhore" etched on it.   
  
"What am I supposed to do with this?"  
  
"You're right," said Ron, and then pointed to the rest of the fifth years, "How long do you think we have to wait before the Houses separate?"  
  
  
  
The Ass God had combined everyone into composites and now that the Ass God was gone, everyone seemed to be coming out of each other's ass.  
  
" I don't know," I said, helping Hermione out of Cho Chang's ass. "I'm more worried about those extra appendages of yours. You don't seem to be reverting.  
  
Ron shrugged. "Maybe I'll try out for the track team or something..."  
  
ObvioiusMan: He should try out for the track team.  
  
Ron: What the Hell?  
  
Me: No, it's 'Harry Potter Meets ObviousMan.' This is the sequel.  
  
Ron: What are you talking about, you big nutter? What sequel?  
  
STUPEFY!  
  
Ron: OW! Stop that you freak! That shit tickles.  
  
  
  
Me(waving my wand frantically): STUPEFY! STUPEFY!...Goddamn, whose been using my batteries again...GINNY!  
  
Ginny(smiling sheepishly): Sorry, Harry. It was just that my vibrator...  
  
Ron: GINNY!  
  
ObviousMan: Virginia Weasley masturbated away all of Harry's batteries, didn't she?  
  
Ron: AVADA KEDAVRA  
  
So ends the life of Obviousman.  
  
ObviousMan: I'm dead, aren't I?  
  
"Can't he die?" asked Ron as ObviousMan began to do pushups on the ceiling.  
  
"I don't think so. That would be too obvious," I answered, shaking my head. "Come on, to the Batcave, Robin!"  
  
BATMAN THEME MUSIC  
  
DANNANNANANNANA BATMAN! DANANNANNANANNA BATMAN!  
  
There's something in life, you can't forget. The day you lost your virginity. The day you tipped over your first cow. Or your first Volkswagen Beetle for those who live in the city. Or the day you tipped over and lost your virginity at the same time to the same cow.  
  
Sliding the Batpole is one of those times.  
  
Ever tried to slide down a pole buck nekkid.  
  
Don't.  
  
"OWWWW!" we both screamed as the friction burn and our privates fought their battle with each other.  
  
'So what's the plan Batman Potter?"  
  
' I don't know, chum. The Ass God told us that we must defeat Lord Voldemort...WE MUST DO IT! FOR THE SAKE OF THE UNIVERSE.'  
  
'Why can't Superman do it? I'm missing Jeapordy right now," answered Ron sharply.   
  
ObviousMan:.....Hehe. You thought I was gonna say something stupid weren't you...  
  
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh SPLAT!  
  
I turned around to see that Draco Malfoy, my worst enemy and sometimes swing-partner, had pushed ObviousMan into the yawning chasm that lay in the middle of my Batcave. I said 'BATCAVE.' No it's not joke. It doesn't mean anything sexual, okay?  
  
You big slash lovers, youse.  
  
"Draco, that's murder!"  
  
ObviousMan: Yeah, that's murder!  
  
Draco(bewildered): What the Hell? Why isn't he dead?  
  
Me: No, not 'What the Hell?' It's 'Harry Meets ObviousMan. How many times do I have to tell you...  
  
STUPEFY!  
  
Ron: Sorry, Harry. I couldn't let you say that stupid 'sequel' joke again.  
  
Just then Lord Voldemort appeared.  
  
Voldemort(eyes twinkling): Can't we be friends?  
  
Lord Voldemort was three feet tall and was wearing a shirt called '555-LOVE.'  
  
Ron furrowed his eyebrows. That took a long time because he had seventeen pairs of them; all red. And red ones took longer.  
  
"This is a trick, Harry," he yelled to me. "He's the DARK LORD, Leader of the DEATH EATERS! You can't have those credits without being utter EVIL!  
  
Lord Voldemort shook his clubbed head.  
  
"No no, ickle Ronnikins. You've got me all wrong chap. Can I call you chap? Nice eyebrows btw. The printer guys got my business card all wrong. It should really be this:  
  
Deaf Eaters  
  
Tom M. Riddle aka Lardo de Gordo (I have a slight weight problem)  
  
"Oh," said Ron. "My bad. What is it your company does?  
  
Voldemort: We eat deaf people. How do you think I got so fat?  
  
Ron: What do you think, Harry?  
  
Me: I'm sorry, I fell asleep. What were we talking about?  
  
Draco (clearing his voice): Hello! Isn't anyone going to ask me why I'm here.  
  
Ron: No not really. It makes perfect sense that you appear out of nowhere, seeing as how this story is totally without logic.  
  
Me: Yeah, I agree. I think none of this may be real either. I knew we shouldn't have bought those dimebags from the Slytherins...  
  
Draco: Hey! We grow Prime A Hydro cannabis! 200 percent THCs or your money back!  
  
Ron(ignoring Draco): Don't feel sad, Harry. Maybe next time, the Hufflepuffs will give us some herb on credit.  
  
Me (sniffing): Yeah.  
  
FADE FADE FADE AWAY TO A DIFFERENT WORLD  
  
Hermione, and Cho Chang walk in. Ginny is running right behind them but since she's cross-eyed, she keeps running into the walls.  
  
"What's going on here?" asked Hermione indignantly. "I'm trying to study. This is the library for goodness sakes! Have some decency!  
  
"Shh, Hermster," said Chang gently. "The boys have been smoking pot again. I bet we look like furry bunnies to them. STOP rubbing me there, Harry!   
  
Ron: Stop rubbing Lord Voldemort!  
  
Harry: I can't help myself!  
  
Voldie/in actuality Cho: Oh RuB ME! RUB ME! I WUV YOU!   
  
Draco/in actuality Hermy: I AM DRACO!  
  
ObviousMan/in actuality ObviousMan: He is Hermione!  
  
I then knew what I must do. It was my destiny to stop Voldemort. He had killed my parents...ooh, he smelled so good...He had killed Diggory...Oh my god, his skin feels like silk pudding!...He needed to die.  
  
"I shall Vanquish you!"  
  
I plunged my sword into his heart and he fell away dead.  
  
  
  
I blacked out.  
  
When I woke up, I was in Madame Pomfrey's hospital ward.  
  
" Is Potter alright?" asked Dumbledore.  
  
'Yes he's perfectly fine," was the reply. 'I've increased his saline dosage, the THC from that bad batch of cannabis he smoked should be gone in the morning.'  
  
'That's good.'  
  
  
  
Madame Pomfrey spoke again, "When will you tell the Chang family that their child is dead?"  
  
I heard Dumbledore sigh, "Tomorrow, I shall owl them. It seems so unreal. It seems like only yesterday that she was an A-cup..."  
  
  
  
Madame Pomfrey comforted him, "There, there. Will you tell Potter? The truth, I mean?  
  
Dumbledore shook his head, "NO! If he ever finds out that he was the one who killed Cho, he'd never forgive himself. It was the bad marijuana that made him and Ron do it...We can not let anyone find out!  
  
"Stop screaming, Albus," whined Pomfrey. "I'm right in front of you, asshole."  
  
ObviousMan: Harry killed Cho!  
  
Dumbledore: Mr. Bush?  
  
Pomfrey(eyebrows): That's a very...interesting name...  
  
ObviousMan: Yes? What do you want with me, headmaster? Do you want to spank me?  
  
Dumbledore: Yes.  
  
Pomfrey: Okay...I've got to stop testing my own Herbs concocts...  
  
  
  
I watched them amble off. I had killed Cho. I should have not trusted Slytherin produced marijuana. And now...Cho was dead. And probably only Cedric had boffed her. What a waste.  
  
Just then an evil image appeared before my eyes; It was Voldemort.  
  
"How do you like my birthday present?" he said sinisterly.  
  
The pieces fell into place.  
  
'It was you who spiked my weed!'  
  
'Well aren't you Obvious?' hissed the gaunt monster delicatlely. "It's your birthday, after all. "I planned this for a year. I hope you...enjoyed it."  
  
"You MONSTER!" I struggled to get up but the restraints on my arms barred me.  
  
"Shh Potter. I am not unkind. If you want, I can bring her BACK. I am Voldemort, the Thief of Death. With one word, I can bring her back to her luscious body...Do you want me to?"  
  
"What trickery is this?"  
  
Voldemort laughed, hideously.  
  
"Think about it. I will be waiting for you in Aragog's lair. Bring as many of your little friends as you wish. My bargain with you is the same with them."  
  
"And what is this...bargain."  
  
"If you win a game of Exploding Snaps with me, I shall grant you a wish," said Voldie, "If you lose, you shall grant me one..."  
  
  
  
"Listen Potter, I'm not as bad as they say I am. I will play with everyone of you Hogwart's students, and my wish will be the same for all of them."  
  
Voldemort was fading away now.  
  
"I wish that you will leave me alone. I am immortal. I can hide, run away, until Dumbledore and his dogs stop hunting me. But you children are the future. If you promise not to hunt me, I can stop the cycle of hate. Goodbye Potter."  
  
With that he vanished, leaving me very confused as well as angry.  
  
What was I going to do?  
  
The END? I will probably conclude this in one more sequel rounding up everything.  
  
It will probably be called Harry Potter and the Infinite Plot Bunnies. Oddly enough, the plot has no bunnies in it...Well, neither does it have a plot either. :) 


	3. 3 Harry Potter and the Game Part One

1)Harry Potter and the What the Hell?   
  
2)Harry Potter and ObviousMan  
  
3) Harry Potter and the Game of Life and Death (An Insert)  
  
"You'll think they'll come?"  
  
"Who said that?"  
  
I turned around but no one was there.   
  
"Down here."  
  
I lowered my head, and on the floor, a gray blotchy-toned rat stared insolently toward me. The man was never out of his rat form. Paranoid fool. What Voldemort saw in this sycophant, I will never know.  
  
"Oh, it's you. I'm not talking to you until you've turn back human."  
  
"Aw gee, Anne," said Peter. "You're such a hassle."  
  
Voldemort was off basking in some dark ritual, and, in his absence, he had left me in charge of the encampment. It wasn't all glory and riches being the Dark Lord's heir. The psychopaths that followed my father were a rich variety, and to juggle their fears against each other took an expert. I neither had the time nor the penchant. Luckily for me, I had my wolves.  
  
  
  
"What did you call me?" I said sinisterly. Peter backed away tremulously. My wolves were circling him, and for a moment, I considered killing him. The man had dared called me by my first name!   
  
However, if wishes were fishes...   
  
"Rocko! Juneau! Heel! Heel!" My wolves backed off, and Peter calmed down somewhat.   
  
...then we'd all cast nets.  
  
He had helped with Dad's resurrection, and, despite what my feelings were, the Riddle Code of Honor stated that Peter be repaid. We Riddles pay our debts. Always.  
  
From the corner of my eyes, I noticed a few ill-placed strands of magic...when I unraveled it to its source, I found a woman standing calmly to the west of my encampment. The woman was obviously spying on me but not even my damning gaze seemed to perturb her. I could only grin at such audacity. Only Bellatrix could be so brazen. Of all my father's followers, she was the most interesting. My father told me that she aimed to be my stepmother and that her kindness to me was no more than a mere ploy...still, I could not help but enjoy her attentions.  
  
"Anne!" she cried, rushing over to give me a hug. "How are you?"  
  
"I'm fine," I answered, chafing slightly at her strength. "Do you know anything about this 'Exploding Snaps' nonsense?"  
  
Peter was edging slowly away but I glared at him with Medusa-like eyes. If Dad had explained his ideas to Bellatrix, then I wanted Peter to receive the same information. He had a unique perspective; Dad had confided to him so frequently that the man had developed a weird understanding of the Dark Lord's motives. A brief sift through Peter's mind would sometimes yield serendipitously useful information. Information that smarter, more powerful servants like Bellatrix would have never told me.  
  
"Yes. The Master has told me his grand design," she told me standoffishly. "He intends to...Oh but surely you already must know? You are his favored daughter, are you not?"  
  
My response was as immediate as it was humble.  
  
"I would not dare to assume to such familiarity. Should the Dark Lord confide in me, it be his wont, and nothing more," I responded calmly, refusing to bite into her verbal bait. Bellatrix was always sending out feelers. She was most certainly my ally but if she knew how angry my father was with me at the moment, well, she'd Brutus me without so much as batting a single, purple eyelash.   
  
"Well," Bellatrix began. "He's serious about his Plan. The Hogwart's children will play a collective game with him. Should they win, he shall grant them each their heart's desire. Should the Dark Lord win, they must sign a binding contract to leave him alone..."  
  
"That's the most retarded thing I've ever-" began Peter, but, with one well placed growl from Juneau, my bitch wolf, his mouth vised shut. Personally, I too thought it was retarded but only someone as stupid as Pettigrew would dare voice such truth. My father was a man of greatness, but magnanimity was something he had shed along with his humanity. Calling his Great Plan retarded was a sure path to death, and still may be for Pettigrew-most of my father's spies were not inserted into neither Hogwart's nor the Phoenix Order, but rather in the ranks of his Death Eaters. The very fear of spies, my father had found, was as effective and far less messy than the public executions of his enemies he had been so fond of in his younger days.   
  
I could see Bellatrix's mind make a mental note of Peter's transgression. She wasn't my father's spy. For some reason, she disliked Pettigrew even more than me. Bellatrix could be very catty sometimes.   
  
"Is that where my father is right now?" I asked.   
  
"Yes," Bellatrix said.   
  
I was shocked. My father was in Hogwart's, by himself, surrounded by the Dumbledore and his evil lackeys! Had father gone mad?  
  
"Bella! Round up everyone, we go rescue my father right now!"  
  
I made for my tent but Bella pulled me aside.  
  
"No, dear. My Master has specifically quarantined you from his mission. In fact, he's quarantined us all."  
  
"But that's ret-" I almost said it but held it back in time, much to the amusement of both Peter and Bella. "What's to stop Dumbledore from capturing my father on the spot?"  
  
"Harry Potter's already agreed to our Master's terms. Master feels that Harry will find a way of keeping Dumbledore in the dark. After all, if Master is destroyed, Harry will never get his wish granted." Bellatrix pulled her hood up, and sat stiffly down. "The boy wants to revive Cho Chang. That's our Master's leverage." Her bony hands reached for my duffel bag, and, with a snap of her fingers, the kitchenware inside began to sort themselves out in Fantasia fashion.  
  
I was incredulous. It seemed impossible. My father's capture was worth ten of these 'Cho Changs.' What kind of fool was this Harry Potter? Still, the risk of discovery was still too great. I had to get to the Aragog's lair in the Forbidden Forest. My father was in grave danger...  
  
I made to move to my Afghani flying rug but one of Bellatrix's inferno flying monkey's blocked me.  
  
When did she get flying monkeys?  
  
"What's the meaning of this, Bella?" I screamed. The monkeys had launched themselves at me. Soon my robes and garter belt were ripped to shreds. They left my panties on, but they poked at it, grunting oafishly. I tried to run away, but a flying dive, from the largest of the monkeys, knocked me flat on my back. The rest swarmed over me completely, leaving only my face and left breast uncovered.  
  
"I'll kill you for this!" I screamed. Bella sneered at me, and then walked to where Pettigrew was hiding. The man had bolted even before the first monkey had even touched me. The coward.   
  
Bellatrix was whispering in his ear, and for some reason, Peter became more relaxed. He even smiled.   
  
"FREE ME! I'll HAVE FATHER KILL YOU ALL! FREE ME!"  
  
I tried to summon my wolves but Bellatrix had already done something to them, and the natural communications I had with them were filled with pain-wracked yelps. They were not dead but I could feel their pain as if it had been my very own.  
  
Just then Pettigrew slapped me. It did not hurt but I was stunned all the same. How dare he! How dare...  
  
"Shh, Princess. It seems that Bella's not as loyal to Voldemort as we all thought. She's found a new Master. Hehe," Pettigrew said. He was disgustingly close to me now. His breath was even worse. "She's been commanded to do away with you. Are you scared, Princess?"  
  
I gasped. This was a coupe! A rebellion in the ranks. I had to get word to father...to Snape...to someone who would help me!   
  
Peter began to drag me into his tent, and as I struggled, Bellatrix began her hideous laughter.  
  
"Have fun, Rat!" she laughed. "Hahahah. Have fun!"  
  
Have fun?  
  
Peter closed his tent flap, and the outside light vanished. A lantern flared automatically but the light was dim, but not enough to hide my nakedness. The monkeys were abnormally strong, and I could only watch helplessly as they tied me to a nearby chair. The monkeys vanished in wisps of smoke, leaving Peter and I alone in the musky gloom.   
  
"Let me go, you rat! Stop looking at me!" I shrieked. Peter's eyes scoped hungrily all over my body, and I knew now why Bellatrix had told him to 'have fun.'  
  
As his shadow hovered over me, I turned my eyes away. His hands were coarse, and my body shivered uncontrollably as they ran up and down over my exposed, inner thigh.  
  
"Shhh," he whispered. "Let's have a little fun, Anne. Trust me, I'm sure you'll enjoy it."  
  
My mind raced to find an escape. I was a far more powerful witch than Peter, but I was wandless. And even if I could escape, Bellatrix was waiting outside, and she was as far beyond me as I was to the moaning man above me.   
  
"Look at me, you bitch!" the man yelled, pulling my chin to his. He gave me a lasting kiss. The taste was bitter and most foul.   
  
My eyes widened. I could feel his free hand snake toward my panties, and I squirmed from his touch. I rammed him in the nose, and he fell backwards. He looked up at me, not angry but...excited.   
  
"What are you going to do, you sicko?" I asked calmly. "Have your way with me while I'm tied to a chair?" I needed to stall for time. "What are you, a pervert?"  
  
Peter shrugged, and with his wand, he aimed at me, shouting, "Immobilius!"   
  
My arms fell slack.   
  
My mouth was rubbery, and Pettigrew was sticking his tongue in it again. I felt everything. But I could not scream. I closed my eyes, and began to wait for the inevitable.  
  
When I woke up, I was fully clothed, but the Immobilius charm had stiffened my joints. It took some time before I could move them.   
  
A House Elf moved quickly in front of me, and before I could even gasp in alarm, it spoke, "Iz missus okay?"   
  
"Caleb! What are you doing here?"  
  
And for that matter, what was I doing here? The morning had past and the night dominated my surrounding. I could barely make out where I was. The ground was full of pewter moss, and the walls around me seemed oddly constructed...almost alien.  
  
Caleb was trying to stuff soup down my throat, barely giving enough time for me to part my lips.  
  
"Hurry, eat. Caleb promised Rat Friend to take care of Missus. Caleb promised." The Elf was almost crying. He kept repeating 'Caleb promised' to himself and each utterance seemed to make him sadder.  
  
"Caleb!" I said impatiently. "Stop with the soup. I need you to tell me where I am. Am I in prison? How long ago has it been since Bellatrix or Pettigrew-" I trembled slightly at his name. "-visited me? And my sisters...are Medea and Nimue in the same condition as I? Are they nearby?"  
  
Caleb stopped. "Prison? Missus not in prison! Oh, no. Me tell missus what me saw." He counted his fingers off with each sentence he uttered, muttering like a schoolboy. "Mean Lady make you naked and then throws missus into the tent, but Rat Friend summon Caleb and says, 'You got to take care of Annie. She's innocent.' You got to take care of Annie, he says to me. So I take missus away."  
  
He took the bowl of soup into his hands and began to thrust spoonfuls of it toward my flinching face. "Eat! Must get energy! Caleb promised Rat friend me take care of missus. Caleb promised."   
  
I was confused. But I was also hungry and I devoured the chicken soup with the speed of a demon. Who would befriend a house-elf? The only person Caleb was close to was Pettigrew, who was practically little more than a human version of a house-elf himself...Rat friend? Caleb promised Rat Friend that he would take care of me...Whoa.  
  
"Did this...Rat Friend tell you anything more?" I asked, getting up to stretch my legs.   
  
Caleb nodded emphatically. "Rat Friend tell Caleb to take cares of missus. Tell Caleb to promise. Caleb take care of missus good. Caleb see everything safe. Caleb bring missus far, far away..."  
  
I was about to throttle the insane little elf.  
  
"Besides that!"   
  
"Umm. Rat Friend say that after missus is strong, and awake, that he's sorry about kissing missus." Caleb could not possibly understand the message he relayed but, nevertheless, it still caused my cheeks to flare a deep pink. Caleb continued, "Rat Friend said to tell missus not to worry. Rat friend said he no touch missus. Missus look too much like Lily, Rat friend says." I breathed a sigh of relief. Pettigrew must have been too afraid of my father's wrath. Thank Merlin for small cowards.  
  
"Where's your 'Rat Friend' now? I've got to ask him some questions."   
  
Caleb was silent.  
  
"Caleb?" I asked.   
  
His voice was low, and I could barely make out the squeaky voice. Caleb's head hung just as low, and his fists were clenched stiffly to his side.  
  
"Mean lady kill Rat Friend. No more Rat Friend, missus. Caleb have no more friend," sobbed the House-Elf. "After Caleb take care of missus, me returned to Missus' camp..." His eyes brightened in terror as if he was reliving the very memory he was relating. "Caleb...saw Rat Friend die...Die horrible...Then Mean Lady question Caleb but me promised Rat Friend so me lie to Mean Lady. Caleb good. Keep Caleb's word to friend."  
  
Unbiddenly, a lump in my throat welled, but I swallowed it down. Now was not the time to empathize over foolish sacrifices. I walked over to the door. Pettigrew's flying rug was lodged firmly above the door's framepeice, but after a few small jumps, I was able to procure it. I strode outside Caleb's secret hut with the elf in tow.   
  
'Where is missus be going?' he asked me concernedly. His bright blue eyes were backlighted with crimson. Pettigrew would have been glad that at least one person had mourned him. Truth be told, I was more than a little affected myself.  
  
"To see my father, Caleb," I said, unfurling Pettigrew's rug onto the pewter moss before me. I bent down and kissed Caleb's forehead. "My father will set everything to rights again. Trust me." At the very mention of my father, he began to cower but I cooed the elf gently.  
  
"No, no, no. I'll tell him what a brave elf Caleb was. And I'll tell him how evil the Mean Lady was-" Caleb's began to smile. "-And tell about how good Peter..er...Rat Friend was to you. And then he'll take revenge. He'll beat the Mean Lady to a pulp. Is that all right with you, Caleb?"  
  
He responded with a very human expression displayed across his face. It didn't matter what kind of Magical Creature he was; the concept of revenge was universal. He waved goodbye to me, and I barely had time to stop myself from grinning. If father saw me consorting with slaves, he would have had a fit.  
  
As I flew off, I gave a silent prayer, and hoped that I hadn't given Caleb false hope. Bellatrix had an abundance of vices but stupidity had never been one of them. Unless she possessed some way to vanquish my father, she would never, in a million years, have had the courage to even touch even my hair, much less design my assassination.  
  
What had Pettigrew said when he shoved me into his tent? Bellatrix had a new master, he had said...Had that been a clue?   
  
I leaned ever more forward into the wind. The rug accelerated but no speed would be fast enough to satisfy my urgency.   
  
I'm coming, father. I'm coming.   
  
Next Week:  
  
Harry Potter and the Game of Life and Death  
  
(Conclusion)  
  
Author's Notes:  
  
Harry Potter and the What the hell?  
  
I originally planned for this humor fic to have three very random chapters...but as I started to work on the third chapter, it started to develop into this dramatic piece you see before you.  
  
The fourth chapter and conclusion will be written but I'm adding this little piece as an insert.   
  
What's more random than including a plot inside a random storyline? 


	4. 4 Harry Potter and the Game Part Two

Harry Potter and the What the Hell Series  
  
4th Chapter  
  
Harry Potter and the Game of Life and Death: The Tangent  
  
Conclusion  
  
Being Harry Potter's best friend had its benefits. A-class girls (those that hunted in packs) would see you as a healthy substitute for their idolatry. A venue, or an approachable guide to the wonder that was Harry Potter.  
  
But then, there was also a downside.  
  
Every year, the bloody bastard would get a very heroic, Gryffindesque idea, and end up killing someone. One of these days, it was going to be his turn. By the way things were going, it would mostly likely be this very night. Something primordial in him was screaming, telling him 'Flee, you idiot! Flee! Good grief, if I had known that one of my descendants was going to turn out to be such a bloody boob, I'd have never walked upright!"   
  
But what could he do? Did Igor worry about being electrocuted when he flicked that non-standard electrical switch? Did Tonto ever complain to the Lone Ranger about back-pay? Nope.   
  
"Ron." Someone was calling his name.  
  
"Stop daydreaming!" came the hiss. It was a quiet hiss but it was so close to his ear that it momentarily deafened him.   
  
Ron Weasley cleaned out his ear, waited for its faculty to return, and then turned axially to face the person who had conveniently called out his name so that anyone who overheard the conversation would instantly recognize him to be Ron Weasley, youngest male of the Weasley clan.   
  
"Harry"-yet again with the convenience-"if you're worried, why are we even heading to this place? I suggest we leave this stuff to grown-ups. I mean-"  
  
"No!" came the answer from several Gryffindors. When Harry had told them of his rendezvous with Voldemort, the Bad Guy of All That is Not Good (this name may be a skosh off-the-cuff but convincing the first-years had to be done with a vocabulary they'd understand. It was a lot like conversing with Muggles, a skill that Harry had become good at due to his many years living with physically superior, but mentally retarded cousins.)   
  
These first-year Gryffindors wanted an adventure. Every year, Harry always had some glory to bask in. Whether it be sorting out the Sorcerer's stone, solving a stoned case of snakes(the facts were still unclear about that one), or sizing up Susan's shivvies(Author: shivvies don't mean anything. I just thought it'd be fun to alliterate once in a while. Who doesn't love alliterations? It's so easy, so pretentiously smart, man, it's like cocaine; Some say it's the number one drug of choice of the editors over at the New York Times.)   
  
Tangent Alert! Tangent Alert!  
  
Harry, Ron Weasley, the Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw first-years all breathed a sigh of gentle as they are freed from a bit of madness-induced narration.  
  
Due to time constraints, they begin to walk faster, and, without any further filler sentences; they finally arrive to their marked destination.  
  
Aragog's Lair, the place was called. Hidden securely by a Magical Forest that bordered on transsapience, it was the perfect breeding ground for monsters. A family of were-deers had used it once but that was during the Summer of Lame Monsters; it was a different story now. Aragog lived there. She had eight legs, sixteen pairs of eyes, a progeny of loyal hunter/children that served her-A queen spider in every sense of the word.  
  
And, as Ron would tell anyone who would listen to him quiver, the spider was bigger than G.LO's ass (Gilderoy Lockhart, no relation to that actress that played the Oscar award winning role of 'Gigli')  
  
Tangent Alert! Tang-"A gunshot fires from the author's gun hitting Mr. Tangent in his geometric center (Bang!) "Tan-n-n-guh-guh-ent Aluh-ert-spurt-spurt"(Bang! Bang!)   
  
"What the hell! Why aren't we going over to where Voldemort is?" asked Ginny wondrously. It was a good question. For fifteen minutes, Hogwarts' lower classmen had not dared move an inch. Many of them were even holding their breaths! Contrary to popular belief, one does not cause one to be blue in the face. Asphyxiation causes brain damage. Remember that.  
  
"The author just killed the Tangent alert, if we don't stay put, we're likely to get written off," explained Neville in a very matter-of-fact manner.  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?" Ginny exclaimed, exposing her pretty, lithe, B.O.-free, armpits into the air. "This is utter insanity! Voldemort is sitting right there! We're here to defeat him! Don't you all remember!"  
  
Ginny's eyes pleaded with Harry. Pleaded with him to bring back the sanity. It seemed to work. After awhile, when Harry was sure that the narration waters were safe to return to, he commanded the group to continue on in their respective roles once again. Ginny, of course, was furious but she was girl-who paid any heed to femmes?-so her evil glares, stares, and grammatically incorrect uses of the eff word went largely unnoticed.  
  
  
  
Luckily, someone familiar in the student group was looking avidly at the scenery around Aragog's Lair, or else there'd be no description of this place! The road that lead to the Lair had been covered with wiry bramble, and fallen trees. The dark clung to the haze, to the light, and to every shadow. Even the animals seemed to know what evil lay here; not a cricket, croqui, crackhead, or rabbit dared the place. It was as silent as a graveyard-on the weekdays, that is. On the weekends, Mr. Dig-Up-Corpse-And-Sell-to-Lab-Coat made enough noise to wake the dead.   
  
The following narration is selected to confuse, so do not read this paragraph. Scroll down and read the paragraph after. It contains the true essence of the story, a recap of what has happened before, as well as the delayed confrontation with Voldemort. However, the stalwarts of this fiction will undoubted have read up to this part, in hopes to see another puerile joke/jokelet but sadly, it has been for naught.   
  
"Two hours..." Ginny muttered. "We're for two feet away from the Enemy, and everyone's just sitting here...Aargh! When will stuff make sense again! When will you morons make sense! We're not in a story! We're in a game of Life and Death with Voldemort! WE'RE NOT IN A STORY! GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULLS, YOU LAMEBRAIN PIECES OF RUBBI-"   
  
"Be quiet, Ginny!" hissed Neville. "You're going to get yourself killed. Rule of thumb! Minor characters should never ever draw attention to themselves!"  
  
Ginny whirled around, her two fingers extending themselves like cat-claws into Neville's neck-collars. She seethed singularly (Alliteration never gets old. Alliteration never gets old. Alliteration never gets old.), "Have. You. Heard. A. Single. Bloody. Word. I've. SAID!!!!"  
  
"I've had it!" She stormed out of the inner ring of minor characters, and into the spots usually reserved for Hermione (Hermione has stayed behind in the castle. She was busy teaching differential equations to the House Elves. At least, that's what she claimed she was doing. In truth, she was a victim of a rare obsession compulsion disorder; one that demanded her to have sex with everything phallic in nature: from plungers to overly fleshy noses.   
  
Isn't it great how the Tangent Alert's gone away?  
  
"Voldemort!" exclaimed Ginny. "I'm ready for you! We all are!"  
  
But Voldemort only stared blankly at her. He was very much, what the professionals call fondly as a NPC, a non-player character, and without the proper narration resources, the man had no personality. Or a mouth even.  
  
Little pieces of salted fish congee dribbled from a corner of his eyeballs, but as attention slowly focused on the Dark Lord of Evil, sense and logic began to prevail, and Voldemort was once again the man who inspired fear, awe, and the usual dialogue of sloppy one-liners that was first made popular by Ian Fleming, the author of James Bond and of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.  
  
"We meet again, Mr. Bond," was the Voldemort greeting. Oh, boy! He's so evil! In an asexual, non-attractive, disgusting way, of course!   
  
Ginny, by now, should have given up her quest to make sense of her life, but she was a strong willed person. She would just not let go off the fact that someone would purposely create a boring, humor fic.   
  
"Listen, everyone," sighed Ginny. That James Bond reference had finally, it seemed, convinced her. "I'll concede that this is an actual work of fiction-It's the only logical reason why everything's insane-But this piece may yet be salvaged! REVOLT!"  
  
Her eyes locked with Harry, and for an instant, an understanding of their true quest lay before them. It was unfortunate that it was then that a stray leaf landed on Ginny's head, instantly pricking her in the ridge that separated temporal and palatial. The fountain of blood was horrifying but also fascinating. A little weird, but fascinating nevertheless.  
  
"I warned her," said Neville knowingly. His head swiveled from side to side, like a teacher would to an ignorant student. It was pretentious and very stupid looking. And it also drew too much attention. Just then another leaf swirled in the air. On reflex, the rotund Neville shot out a pudgy palm, catching it with elephant-like dexterity.  
  
Neville managed to say a phrase before the leaf activated.  
  
"Shit me."  
  
The Leaf burrowed inside the palm, infiltrated all the immune systems and began, what could be only called, a core meltdown. By the time it was finished, Neville's corpse hung lifelessly on two rigor mortis-afflicted legs, with the top of his skull collapsed inward from sheer stupidity.  
  
Due to time constraints, another minor character has appeared. She is Luna Lovegood, and for some reason, she's recapping the story.   
  
"Beware the ides of March, Julius. Beware! It will be your downfall! Betrayal most foul! Knives in the dark! Treachery. Beware the ides of march!-" Lovegood stopped her ranting. She stared stupidly at Ginny and Neville, pointing at them with crooked, pointer finger (the rest were smooth for some reason), and said, "What the hell's the matter with them?"  
  
"A leaf," Harry explained, plucking the leaf off Ginny's lolled head haphazardly.  
  
"Easy!" Lovegood said. "Whew! I thought you'll fall victim like them as well!"  
  
Harry laughed. "I'm the hero, silly. Look, watch this."  
  
He flipped his wand out, and with one smooth motion, he rammed the tip into his own eye.  
  
"See?" said Harrry with a grin, and a wand stuck in his head. "Nothing ever happens to me-"   
  
He dies. It's a stupid, ugly, and painful ways to die but, as most know, at least he wasn't ass-wrapped by Dominican Republicans. George Bush Lopez, who was hiding in the bushes with his Amazonian Gay Lords, leaves in disgust, disappointed that there would no wrapping today.  
  
"Father! Run! It's an ambush!" came a voice from above.  
  
"It's Medea, Voldemort's daughter!" exclaimed Susan Bones.   
  
"How the hell do you know?" asked Ginny, (death isn't permanent, silly), although her eyes stayed locked onto Medea's presence. She was a stunning creature. Literally.  
  
Medea shouted "Stupefy" over and over again until the scenery became more manageable. Such a plethora of useless characters is much too hard to narrate, you see.  
  
All that was left now, was a retarded Voldemort, a cowering Ronniekins, Harry Potter (he's 'posed to be dead? Er...I don't really care. He stays), Ginny, and Susan Bones.  
  
"Medea's going to tell Voldemort that Bellatrix is attempting a coupe!" screamed Susan once more, recapping things very nicely. "Bellatrix serves some other Master now! Wormtail freed Medea? And now he's dead? How heroic! What? Minions are coming? Flying monkeys? OH NO!"  
  
Ginny took one hard look at Susan, decided then, and then launched herself into battle mode. By the time she was finished, Bones looked like a mass of meshed bone and flesh.  
  
Harry, Ron, Medea, and even Voldemort began to back away.  
  
"What?" she snapped. "Nothing matters here, right? I could do whatever I bloody want! Nothing makes sense! NO SENSE! Do whatever. Flllrp! Flllrp! Fllrp!"  
  
"You're sister's gone off the bonkers again," Harry said.  
  
"Eh," Ron answered. He suddenly noticed something in the sky, and then screamed (girlishly), "Cover!"   
  
And then the Monkeys came.   
  
Behind Ron, the students that the narration conveniently did away with rose as one, robes flipping behind them like capes, wands unsheathing in quiet unison, advancing stalwartly against the approaching menaces.  
  
"Form two rings! Tall people on the outermost!" screamed Ron. For some reason, the students followed his orders, and two concentric circles formed.  
  
"Shouldn't we head for the trees?" suggested Harry.  
  
"Didn't you hear warning Medea gave us six paragraphs ago?" explained a frantic Ron. The outermost were busy doing shielding spells, and he ran along the inside, redistributing magical strength to where he thought was most vulnerable. "It's an ambush, she said! They knew we'd be here! They expect us to run away. There's probably a contingent of God-knows-what traps surrounding this place! Rule of thumb. Never do as your enemy expects."  
  
Just then, a student from the outside circle shrieked.   
  
"Boot's down! Make the circle tighter!" screamed Harry. The inner circle was firing between the spaces the outer circle had not shielded, and they were deadly accurate. Ron's plan was working but his face was not at all smug. No strategy could overcome logistics. When you were outnumbered, you had to run.   
  
But to where? Forest, and no doubt, further ambushes, lay in the north and northeast, flying monkeys to the immediate west, and a gigantic spider and her minions to the south.  
  
I hate spiders, he thought.   
  
  
  
"Harry, I need you to-" Ron began as another explosion smeared across the magical shields around the-"Aargh, would you bloody inners aim better! You're the only defense against the aerial batteries!" He turned back to Harry, whispering, "Harry, I'm going to break formation. When I say the word, you lead the inners into Aragog's Cave. If we're lucky, we might be able to pit monkey against spider."  
  
"But the cave's a dead end!" exclaimed Harry but Ron was on the other side of the circle now. More and more shields, as well as the wizards that supported them, were going down. The monkeys were endless, and Harry could see the reasoning behind Ron's plan. But into the cave? Being eaten by spiders was no more enjoyable than being mauled by monkeys.  
  
Voldemort was doing his part, mouthing off spells of such intricacy, that even the magical trees around them seemed to take interest.   
  
"There!" he hissed, his face perspiring with undue sweat.   
  
Ron only gaped in awe, as did the rest of the students.  
  
The wind stood still. The monkeys were frozen in the air, like iced grease on a window. It was a freakish spell of nature, and the world rebelled against such manipulation. It even smelled wrong.  
  
"Run, you idiots!" screamed Voldemort. "Someone's already working on the counter to my time magic. We haven't much time!"  
  
Harry nodded, and the inner circle plus Voldemort and his daughter, ran for their lives. Ron saw the last of them enter the relative safety of the cave, and then realized, in horror, that there was only one more gambit left for him to play. He sighed knowingly. Sometimes, the unwillingness to sacrifice pawns had cost him the game. But this was no game. It was life and death. And, boy, did it rot.  
  
"Goodbye, Harry," he said softly. He turned to the outer circle, told them his plan, and waited for volunteers. Only half of them stepped forward. The rest were allowed to escape into the cave, and rejoin Harry's escaping troop.  
  
"All right, friends," Ron said with forced levity. "Let's go kick some tail."  
  
Ron's Army waited solemnly at the foot of the cave. Some of them took potshots at the frozen monkeys and giggled at how their projectiles went from blazing speed to solid zero as it entered the Time-Slow Walls that encapsulated their enemies.  
  
  
  
Two minutes pass.  
  
The spell shimmered, broke, and the monkeys poured out over the land in droves.  
  
Three minutes of forever passes.  
  
A boy named Gideon goes into shock.  
  
Two more minutes pass.  
  
Two more fall.  
  
...  
  
Ron falls.  
  
And as Ron fell down, he heard a snap. Whether it was bone or wand, he didn't know because the monkey that felled him soon followed its assault with a swift kick to Ron's head. The world blacked into red, not even allowing the time for a final gasp. The monkey was relentless, cascading kick after kick until Ron's head sloshed like a wet fish on dry ground. After two more minutes, Ronald C. Weasley was no more. After six more minutes of inevitability, Ron's Army, to every last student, ceased their existence.  
  
  
  
Harry made his way through the winding paths and small, cave corridors, until he realized that he recognized none of it. The caves had been changed. The landmarks had been removed, or displaced. They were utterly lost.  
  
"I thought you knew the place!" Voldemort shouted. "You're just like you're stupid grandfather. He was an inept fool, too."  
  
"Dad!" said Medea sharply. "Now's not the time for your Potter fixation. Do any of you have any magic that can find exits?"  
  
The Hogwart children shook their heads. Many of them couldn't even talk. They had never experienced battle shock before, and it was not as exciting as the stuff they read in stories. It was scary and many of them were crying.  
  
  
  
Voldemort gave a disgusted look, "Don't look at me. If you want me to kill one of these students, then fine. But I have no other spells other than combat and control."  
  
"No. We got to go back for Ron," said Harry doggedly. "If I can convince Aragog to..."  
  
"So that was the little twerp's plan..." Voldemort said appraisingly. "Simple but effective. Aragog's a Dark Creature. He'll listen to me. I had wanted to save him up for my coming assault of Hogwarts but I guess now's no time to be choosy."   
  
It was a diabolical statement, but it still gave optimism to the group. Maybe they would live to tell the tale.  
  
Medea, however, was not as hopeful.  
  
"No, father. It feels wrong," whispered Medea directly into her father's ear."  
  
Bellatrix isn't dumb. She'd have figured you'd ask for Aragog's aid. There's no possible way she could overlook this..."   
  
Just then, the remnants of Ron's Army stumbled in with Harry's group.  
  
Ernie Macmillian was huffing desperately, but he still tried to relay Ron's words. He had been so ordered. "They're...gasp...coming...monkeys...gasp... run! Keep alive...for as long...as possible...Help's...gasp...coming...sent Ginny...she's wearing...gasp...your cloak..."  
  
"Where's Ron?" asked Harry nervously, holding Ernie by his armpits. His eyes could not see his best friend anywhere.  
  
"Idiot," stated Voldemort. He was rushing everyone into a corridor now. He did not know if it was the correct path but if the monkeys were coming from the north, then to the south must he run. "Potter, your friend Ron, is stalling for time. Namely, he's probably at the cave entrance making a last stand. Illogical, isn't it? And they call me insane." That insidious laugh. "Really! You Potters encourage more madness than I ever could."  
  
Harry stood straight, grasping his want until his knuckles were white on flesh.  
  
Ron's not dead, dammit. I won't believe it. I won't!  
  
"I've had enough of you. Let's change the game we first agreed to. Whoever kills Bellatrix first wins. If you win, you get me. If I win, you bring back to life all my friends."   
  
"Deal," said Voldemort quickly.  
  
Harry walked away; His head so full of vengeance, the hostility could be felt from all around.  
  
Medea and Voldemort, the Riddles, walked behind what was left of the original Hogwart party. They were the rear guard, they said, but, in truth, it was just simple Slytherin caution. There was no sure guarantee that Aragog the Spider Queen would help them escape. In fact, it was almost certain that Bellatrix would have some sort of contingency. Aragog, might even be, under her employ. A frightening assumption, but one that needed to be considered.  
  
After all, Voldemort had died once already, and, by his account, it had not been a 'fun' experience.  
  
If I ever get my hands on her, vowed Voldemort in his own twisted mind, I'm going to kill her.   
  
Bellatrix was not his true concern, however. His worry was more directed to the person who had countered his Time-Slow Spell. It was a rare form of Dark Magic, and to counter its spell-properties needed skill that was beyond even Dumbledore's, much less Bellatrix Lestrange's. So who was it that was helping Lestrange? No matter. Voldemort was sure he could handle whoever it was. Maybe.  
  
Bellatrix was furious.  
  
"What do you mean they escaped?" she shrieked. She was tall, and her robes were modified male battle robes. There were more than five pair of wands on her wrists as well as a crossbow of inhuman design strapped in readiness at her side. Bellatrix Lestrange had been preparing for this day for some time now. It was not going at all like she imagined.  
  
The monkey lieutenant cowered before her gaze. He scampered away, not realizing that he was no more than a magical construct. Alive but yet not alive. He disappeared from whence he came. A puff of smoke swirled removing the lieutenant but leaving a small, triangle-shaped panty on the floor. Bellatrix had run out of objects to magick, and her hamper had been the only thing close to hand.   
  
  
  
"What's with the long face?" cried a voice from the darkness.   
  
One of the worst things about living in Voldemort's encampment was the fact that...it was an encampment. Anyone could walk into your tent, and, during the dark hours, he could be anybody.  
  
"Who's that?" snarled Bellatrix, with one wand drawn out, and the other on the way.   
  
"Your new Master!" came the biting reply. "Or have you found yet another?"  
  
"Master. How can you say that? I am loyal and true."  
  
The Master smiled, baring his slick incisors. He was oozing with confidence, "Oh is it? It better be, Ms. Lestrange."  
  
His finger snaked lazily around her neck. Bellatrix was a master at such manipulation but the shiver could not be controlled. The Master stopped his finger at a magic node on her skin, effectively paralyzing her vocal ability. To a witch, that was a procedure as invasive as rape.   
  
"I heard you had problems," the Master said, sniffing oddly. "Is that true, dearie?"  
  
"Y-yes, but nothing I can't handle..."  
  
"Quiet. I've had enough of your Monkeys! Animations are not wizards. If I had not sent one of my agents to supervise Voldemort's assassination, your monkeys would have been rendered useless." His eyes bore into Bellatrix's with a strength ten times more frightening than anything Voldemort had ever inspired. "I want you to go yourself! I have too much projects hinging on the deaths of the Potter and the Riddle-They must be killed, and killed NOW!"  
  
  
  
"But I've never been able to defend myself against him..." explained Bellatrix.  
  
The Master released her. He produced a clear, green vial from his robes, and tossed the glowing object into Bellatrix's eager hands. He pulled his oily hair back into a cumber and left without saying a word.  
  
Bellatrix nearly crushed the vial in her eagerness to unfasten the stopper. She inhaled the drink, and the rush was unbelievable. And to think, the Master had recipes that were even more potent than the drink that was infusing her now! The magic within her neural network expanded, contracted, until its configuration became inhuman. She felt unstoppable.   
  
Exhilarated, she tested her powers by willing herself into the sky. When she looked down, she could barely make out the seventeen-acre encampment that had once belonged to Voldemort. It was hers now. All hers.   
  
In a blaze of magical superlight, she flew away. She could have used Apparition Magic to approach Hogwarts, and then switch to manual flight as she entered the grounds but flying was faster. And there were always some stray Muggle walking around London at night...sniping Muggles was one of the few joys Bellatrix allowed herself.  
  
And with her newfound Power, she didn't have to stop at Muggles. A-class, B- class, Merlin class, all wizards were prey now. Even Voldemort.  
  
  
  
Ginny stared up from the rubble. She was careful not to attract any attention. Most of the monkeys were inside the cave chasing Harry but there were still a few flying up high, doing scout work.   
  
Oh, Ron, she thought. She nearly threw up in horror. Two monkeys were divving up his body. As they feasted on him, his face was passionless. His head was lolling around clumsily on his neck, jolted by uncaring, and hungry monkeys.  
  
Tears were in her eyes, but she blinked them away. Her invisibility cloak did not make her impervious, and Ron had given her an important job to do.  
  
"Find help!" Ron had hissed to her. "Using Aragog's spiders to face the monkeys leaves too much to chance. There's no guarantee of success. In fact, Aragog may be part of the problem...So, go quickly. You're my best hope to save everyone."  
  
Looking back, Ginny realized why she had been feeling nervous receiving her brother's orders. Her brother had been saying goodbye, and she hadn't even noticed until now.  
  
She made her way amid the corpses of both human and monkey, and then, when she was sure that no one would see her, she doffed her confining Invisibility cloak, and ran with all her might. Ron's sacrifice would not be in vain. Not if she could help it.  
  
"I think we found out what happened to Aragog, Harry! Over here!" cried Ernie. Curious, the Harry's group huddled over Ernie's find. Even Voldemort and Medea, the Riddles, hovered nearby.   
  
The small passage in the cave had been the correct path. It led deep into the bowels, and into a small cavern filled with nests of cobwebs by the hundreds.  
  
Unfortunately, the spiders were nowhere to be found. Not even Aragog.  
  
"How big did you say this Aragog was?" asked Ernie. He held up a dismembered spider foreleg whose length towered way over his own head.  
  
"That's Aragog's leg," Harry agreed. Many of his classmates slumped down with disheartenment. They had been relying on the spider army to get them out. What would they do now? Bellatrix had foreseen their tactic, and had even killed the Spider Queen beforehand! The feel of doom was pervasive, but Harry refused to surrender to the gloom. He was the leader. No matter how lost he felt, he couldn't let it show.  
  
"Didn't Ron give Ginny my invisibility cloak? She's out there seeking help, right? We still got her!" Harry said with a tired grin. Never give up!.   
  
"Yeah!" said Hannah, her eyes twinkling with brown hope.   
  
Harry nodded. "So let's hold out here. If the monkeys come, we'll give them a welcoming they'll never forget!"  
  
He hastily assigned his followers to this or that opening, occasionally giving the more dejected of them a quick smile to show that everything would be made fine. Some of them believed him. Others only scowled, and grudgingly did their assigned duties.   
  
Voldemort and Medea were busy conspiring in the corner-Harry couldn't worry about them. He only hoped that Ginny was safe.   
  
Hurry, Ginny, he thought. We're all counting on you.   
  
  
  
Ginny had stumbled twice, bruised a shin, reopened a wound, but she ignored it all. Hogwarts! The front gate was more welcoming than it had ever been. She hurried to find Dumbledore. Every second mattered.  
  
"Weasley!"  
  
She turned around slowly and breathed a sigh of relief. It was only Professor Snape. There was a wicked smell of Apparition Magic to him-Where had he gone at this late of night?  
  
"Where do you think you are doing? Twenty points from Gryffindor for breaking curfew!" Snape chastised. He was standing very close to her now. So close...  
  
"I'm sorry but there's been a terrible thing that's happened over in the Dark Forest. I need to get help..."  
  
"Shh," replied Snape. So close...Crack! Ginny's neck snapped between the third and fourth vertebrae. Snape continued to twist the neck. He grinned as the familiar snapping sound of the atlas breaking was heard.  
  
"Poor dearie," he said soothingly. From one of his pockets, he pulled out a vial of white powder. He sprinkled it very politely onto Ginny's form, and, by magic, the remnants vanished. Snape had created this powder during his Hogwarts days, and no matter what fantastics he created, this invention was still his favorite.  
  
He brushed off Ginny's spit from his shoulder, and made his way back to Hogwarts. That had been too close. Bellatrix was so sloppy. Unlike Voldemort, however, Snape did not kill his followers for failure. Like any business, you had to make due with the limited talent until the recruitment could compensate with what was needed. Hermione Granger, and Draco Malfoy was still a long ways off from graduation...Until then, Voldemort's lackeys would have to serve him. He sulked. The price of genius, he sighed to himself, and then hurried off to finish an experiment he had left unattended.   
  
  
  
"The monkeys have stopped screeching, Harry!"   
  
Harry nodded. How long had they held out here? Two hours? Three? Ginny had not returned with reinforcements, and the monkeys seemed indefatigable. They even sensed that Harry's Group was tiring. Had it not been for Voldemort and Medea's help, they'd have been overrun during the first five minutes.   
  
The cavern was a good defensive position but, as Ron used to say, defenses were meant to be shattered. By Harry's calculations, the breaking point would be soon. That very fact was etched in the very faces of his followers. Even Voldemort was slightly panting from magical exertion.  
  
  
  
"Constant vigilance," Harry cried. "Don't let your guard down."  
  
"That's easy for him to say," muttered one Ravenclaw.  
  
"He's the one that got us into this mess," replied the other.  
  
Before Harry could deal with this morale problem, Voldemort superceded him.   
  
He glared at the two Ravenclaws, "Insipid Ravenclaw know-it-alls. You came of your own volition. You came to gamble with me. Your choice. You came so that I would grant one of your desires. Or, if you lost, grant one of mine. Even dumb Gryffindors understand the meaning of responsibility. I should kill every one of you." He made to spell them an Unforgivable but he stopped in mid-wand-swing. It was as if he didn't consider them worth the effort.  
  
Voldemort ambled over to where Harry stood.  
  
"No need to thank me, Potter," he whispered in Parseltongue.  
  
Harry frowned. He needed Voldemort's support just as much like he needed an Avada Kedavra to the head.   
  
  
  
Why had the monkeys stopped attacking? Harry thought. His pondering was answered shortly. In every magician, there is a gauge that senses, or recognizes magic in all its forms.   
  
Right now, it was registering a scale it had never before encountered. Even Voldemort was a little frightened by the exorbitant use of magic ability in the air.  
  
The northern blockade was glowing, and as it blew apart, several of the guards Harry had stationed there became demolished.   
  
"Nooooooo! Ernie!!!!!!!!" screamed Hannah. She wrenched herself away from Harry's barring arm and then ran toward the catastrophic northern entrance. Her form was lost in the dust. But when it settled, she was nowhere to be found. .  
  
"Oh, look what I've found!" cried a figure gleefully. "A little girl! How...sweet."  
  
Entering the entrance was Bellatrix. Harry had never seen Bellatrix before but Sirius, his godfather, had once described her as resembling an "insane flamingo with pinkeye." The description was on the mark.  
  
"Hannah!" cried one of the Creeveys.  
  
She squirmed under Bellatrix's grasp. Unwelcomed, Bella's mouth pressed against hers, and for a bewildered moment, she was horrified. But as the magically infused death came through, her eyes widened and her face became stark. Laughing, Bella threw her away. Hannah's body tumbled away into the distance. There was no need to recover her. Her body lay in the unnatural angle. Even children who had never seen a corpse could recognize it. Some of them vomited. Not Harry, though. By now, he had become desensitized.  
  
  
  
Fwoosh. A lance of pure lightning came from the emptiness around Bella, striking her with increasing intensity. The shields Bella had up clashed with the attacking spell in such fury that it resulted in thunderclaps and even generated class two winds.   
  
When it died down, Voldemort was panting. His spell was a very powerful one. He had tailor made it to defeat Bellatrix, since her shielding ability were based on Hydrogen, Nitrogen, and Oxygen properties.The Lightning would oxidize Bella's defenses, and then, hopefully, electrocute her.  
  
It did that but Bellatrix remained. She seemed as surprised as Voldemort and Medea were. Bella laughed, "Master has given me true power! Even greater than the little tidbits you sometimes dole out, you selfish troll!"  
  
"We're in trouble, aren't we?" Justin asked. Ever since Medea had arrived, he'd been trying to make conversation. It didn't matter that Medea was Voldemort's daughter. Nor did it matter that they were all going to presumably die very soon. The fact that Medea was extremely hot was the only thing that registered in his mind.  
  
"Yes," sighed Medea. She winced as her father flew across the cavern, slightly burning from a heavily-modified Inferno spell. "Yes, we are in trouble. Yes we are."  
  
Something's wrong, thought Medea. Bella had become exorbitantly powerful, yes. But there was something inhuman about her spells, and her mobility. It was almost like a...Dementor.  
  
"Harry!"   
  
"What?" What the hell did she want?I'm trying not to die here. Another volley of ultra magic flew past Harry. Voldemort was taking the brunt of the damage but much of it was deflected into the cave's foundation. At the rate Bellatrix was going, they'd all be dead, entombed within rock and magic.   
  
"Use your Patronus Charm!" screamed Medea over the howling winds brought on by two conflicting magic systems.  
  
"What???!"  
  
"Just do it!!! Everyone! Repeat after me! Patronus Expectorum!" Medea shouted. Her Patronus took the form of a badger. It had only level four intensity but its effectiveness could not be denied. Bellatrix seemed stunned at what was generating her pain. I'm not a Dementor. Why am I getting hurt?  
  
Harry grinned. The Patronus was his most powerful spell. If Bellatrix thought that badger was strong, she ain't seen nuthin' yet.  
  
"Patronus Expectorum." A stag of level-ten intensity charged at Bellatrix, damaging her so thoroughly that she could not even scream, such was her pain.  
  
  
  
"Patronus Expectorum!" Level three butterfly from Susan Bones.  
  
"Patronus Expectorum!" Level six moose from Colin Creevey.  
  
"Patronus Expectorum!" Level seven crocodile from Dennis Creevey.  
  
"Patronus Expectorum!" Level eight puppy from Voldemort.  
  
"Patronus Expectorum!" Level four dragon from Justin.  
  
"Patronus Expectorum!" Level ten stag from Harry once again.  
  
The Patronuses were so bright, that sun-shadows appeared, contrasting everyone with subliminal shade. Bellatrix shrieked in disbelief. She kept repeating the same words and they were: "NOOOO! I can't die! I can't! It's not fair! It's not fair! I should win this time! Help me, Master! Help me!"  
  
"Err...I think that's enough, guys," Harry said, noticing that the only thing left of Bella now was her clothes. That did not stop the Dennis Creevey who proceeded to rip Bella's clothes with a surprising fury.  
  
"Dennis," Colin said softly. "She's gone. You can stop now."  
  
Dennis stopped, his head hung low. Real low. Colin took Dennis by the shoulder and led him away.   
  
"Hannah was always kind to me, bro," Dennis said quietly. "She was real nice, even to a first-year newby like me."  
  
"I know," his brother said soothingly, "I know."  
  
Voldemort limped forward, supported mostly by her daughter. His face was bruised, and mass of blood soaked his shirt. Wounds littered his body. One of his fingers had snapped off, and Medea was holding the thumb gingerly for later reattachment.  
  
"How did you know that the Patronus would work?" asked Harry.  
  
Because Bella's not that powerful. Not unless she took an essence enhancer.  
  
Medea smirked, "I don't need to explain anything to you, Potter. Goodbye."  
  
"But the monkeys..."  
  
"Don't be stupid. They are wholly Bella's creations," she answered. She pointed to the various buttons and pieces of papers blowing in from the northern exit. "Now that she's gone, they'll revert to the objects they once were." Harry wanted a further more detailed explanation (preferably over dinner) but Medea's glare told him he should pick a better time to ask. In a time where her dad wasn't bleeding so much, mayhaps..   
  
But Harry did say something.  
  
"Your father...He could never revive the dead, could he?"  
  
Medea looked solemnly at Harry. She hesitated and then said, "I'm not going to lie to you. It was a lie. That's what my father does for a living. Don't take it too personally."  
  
The two Riddles walked off. Apparition magic was not allowed on Hogwart grounds so they had to travel a long way before they could return to...wherever bad guys go.  
  
"You're just going to let them go?" asked Susan Bones. Her tone was emotionless but Harry could see through to the viciousness that hid behind it.  
  
"Yes. I have to," said Harry. Susan became enraged but Harry did not let her speak. "He killed my parents too, Suzie. But he also saved our lives. Albeit, he did it to save his own but I've learned it doesn't matter."  
  
"It. Doesn't. Matter?" cried Susan. She shoved Harry hard. "Don't be a moral fool, Potter! He'll try to kill you again. What makes you think he won't? This may be our only chance!  
  
"Fine! You do it! You murder him! Do it in front of his daughter! Go ahead!" screamed Harry.  
  
Susan became quiet.   
  
"I-I can't either."  
  
Harry nodded and hugged Susan tightly.   
  
"Maybe, we'll look back at this day and say that we were foolish for letting Voldemort go," said Harry quietly. "But till that day comes, we'll have a clear conscience."  
  
"I still say we should have killed him," Bones frowned, her amber eyes were playful however and was only half-serious.  
  
Harry laughed, and began to organize the journey back home. The dead needed to be recorded, and carried. They were all battle buddies now. Death no longer bothered them. Harry began to wonder, why fight? In a couple of years, Voldemort would probably die of old age (immortality was unreachable now that the sorcerer's stone was no more), and there'd be no more Dark Lord. But his carelessness in the taking of human life, the differences he placed between Mugblood and Pure...those would continue...Maybe that was worth fighting against.   
  
But even Harry had to admit to himself that meeting Voldemort in a dark forest had been a stupid thing to do. Bringing friends along had been an egregious folly. And the price of the lesson was steep. Four dead, not including the fifteen that volunteered to join Ron's stall for time.   
  
His eyes lingered without reason on Bellatrix's clothes. Sifting through it, he found a purse, a few id papers, and a vial of green goop. Where had he seen it before?  
  
Whatevers, he shoved the items back into Bella's old clothes and bundled it up. There would be ample enough time to figure out who this 'Master' Bella had uttered in her death cries.  
  
From what Harry could surmise, this man could be even more powerful than Voldemort-Maybe even surpass Dumbledore! The vial may prove a good clue to who this 'Master' truly was. Maybe Snape could figure out what it was.   
  
Shit. I forgot all about Snape! Double Potions this morning!  
  
"Ron, did you remember to give me back my cauldron..."   
  
No one was there to answer him. Everyone had already left. Gone back to Hogwarts. And Ron, well, Harry wouldn't believe him dead until he saw his corpse.   
  
Harry made his way to the northern exit, Bella's clothes under his arm, and began the long trek back home. In his mind, he still refused to believe that Ron was dead. His mind was so dead set against the very notion that when he reached outside, and saw Ron's half-eaten body, it made him crazy, and for days he would not speak.   
  
To him, he had killed his own best friend.  
  
Snape gasped. Bellatrix was dead. The mental link he had spent so long to forge with her had snapped in an instant. Had it not been for Snape's Occlumencial expertise, his own brain would have fried from the disparity in soul potential.  
  
Still, it was no harm done. He still had his loyal agents in both conflicting groups. It was only a matter of patience before another opportunity would present itself. Maybe it had been too ambitious to rid himself of both the Potter and the Riddle at the same time.   
  
Maybe.   
  
The morning light flooded into laboratory, nearly blinding him. Bloody sevens, he cursed. He was late for the Monday morning sixth years. What were the idiots learning again? Oh yes. The Ricewater Potion of Controlled Regurgitation. Lily used to buy it from me in cases. I wonder if some enterprising Slytherin would, like I did, see the opportunity to market it to the anorexics...  
  
He grabbed a few vials from his laboratory jovially, and headed off.   
  
He hated winning all the time. He smiled sinisterly. He really did.  
  
The End. 


End file.
